Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Realization In My Heart

Looking through my eyes is something only I can do. I once had a dream that the Lord showed me how the world looked through my earthly father's eyes. The faults, mistakes made, selfish thinking, etc. It hurt me inside to think that my father had so many faults.

Now I am questioning myself. Often I have thought of asking the Lord to show me my own faults in this fashion. But will I be accepting? Will I take exception to what He is trying to show me that I must change within myself? I am now ready, I think, to hear and accept what I am doing wrong. What I have been doing wrong that needs correction before it is too late. Too late to change.

My granddaughter is on the way. I want to show her that she must have the courage to be honest with herself if not with anyone else. To pray for wisdom for herself so she can change the things she is not happy with, within herself...for herself.

I look in the mirror, everyday. Whether it is brushing my hair, washing up, brushing my teeth, I see my reflection and wonder who the woman in the mirror really is. Now I must start my journey with myself and my Lord. Asking for help will be my first step with Him. Accepting what He has to say will be my second. I will follow until I come complete circle to finding out what really makes me tick and what I need to improve on.

Feeling hollow due to being terminated from a job that I loved. Unimportant because I had to return to school at this age, (turning 53 on April 24th). Being on unemployment because I don't have a job and have to look for a sedentary job. I am disabled. I have one knee replacement and my other knee is bone on bone. Hurting. If I sit too long, stand too long, walk too much----the pain is there.

I was trying to walk through all of this alone. Alone is not something I wanted to be. I now realize I don't have to be a-l-o-n-e. But to have the courage to seek help with the only person I trust...Jesus. Not a fanatic, but I do believe that turning to Him is what I have done my whole life. Whether I need help or celebrate His help through tough times. I know I can always turn to Him no matter what. It is up to me to take the first step.

Tomorrow will come with a brighter, eager acceptance because I took that first step. I can hardly wait.

14 comments:

Laura Ann Ford said...

I feel like I was meant to read this post. Lately I have been having many of the same feelings. I am a wife and mother, but I often wonder who I really am or who I could become. I have had several jobs but I always end up losing them do to my history of anxiety attacks. My husband works hard for little money and most times we barely make ends meet. I feel unimportant, useless even because I can't go out into the workforce to help pay the bills. Honestly, I have become afraid to try because of all my past failures. I don't have a close relationship with God. Don't get me wrong I strongly believe in the Lord, it's just that I have struggled to understand why He lets things happen. I have trust issues because of things I went through growing up and sometimes I feel absolutely alone. Your post has hit my heart and now I realize I should do some deep soul searching. Thank you for sharing, perhaps now my tomorrows will be brighter.

trinitybeacon said...

The hardest part of changing ourselves is accepting ourselves as imperfect, and forgiving ourselves for our own mistakes. Even if no one else sees our faults, we do.
You have a very good start, and you are a fine example for your grand-daughter.
Good blog.
allen

Carol said...

First of all. 53? You baby!! LOL!!!
Unimportant because you went back to shcool! Hey, that makes you a really BRAVE, STRONG woman in my book. To have the courage to go back to school. How many of us have NOT gone back --- although we would have loved to --- because we were afraid? Bravo to you for doing it!
And, most important, to realize to turn to the best FRIEND of all --- Christ --- for companionship and strength: well, you've taken THE most important step on your journey by doing that.
Prayers and love to you, friend.

orcalover said...

It takes time to realize we need to look within ourselves to make the changes we need. We look to God to support our decisions but it takes a long time to realize that is what we must do.

It took me sixty one years to know who and what I am. I have a friend that finally opened my eyes. You have the right idea, keep going.

Anonymous said...

You are on your way. Never give up, on God, or yourself.

Jeneal

The Belle in Blue said...

The realization that you're never alone once you know God is one of the central themes of my second book, DIFFERENT ROADS. The heroine is a severely damaged person who doesn't even believe in God for most of the book, but once she finds Him, His presence is a constant comfort to her. Your post illustrates this perfectly, Cyndy!

Laura Ann Ford said...

Thank you for leaving a comment on my blog site. I have heard the song Just As I Am, but before today I had never really to the time to HEAR the message.

If you get a chance please read my latest blog.

Laura Ford
http://www.canyoudreamit.net/

conarnold said...

It's such a blessing that we never have to be alone! There is no better friend than Jesus. Praying for brighter tomorrows for you and healing!

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